I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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