He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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