im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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