Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
