our cab driver is having phone sex.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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