the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
