i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
