I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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