I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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