Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
