also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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