So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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