I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
