I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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