there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
