I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
40s are totally the cure
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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