STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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