Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I see more hoeing in ur future
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