I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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