I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
