I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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