Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
