Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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