All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Randomize
