why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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