is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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