i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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