I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
