just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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