a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
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