Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
