just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
