You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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