Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
