just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize