I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
i believe in u and ur pee
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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