I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Pants are for mortals
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
