If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize