im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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