I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
