She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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