I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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