I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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