It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
