and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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