Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize