omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
