My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
