"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize