2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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