You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize