I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
