Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
