Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
