I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
