I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Randomize
