Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
