On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
