Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
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