Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
