my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
