I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
