I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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