I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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