I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize