what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
