She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Text me some of your sweat
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